Lonely

I feel incredibly lonely lately.

I can write, art, game, work..I can do all the things but it’s all entirely pointless if I have no one to share with.

What should have been a relaxing working vacation has been nothing more than forced isolation. Sure I’m getting paid well. I even had time and dollars to get some watercolors and charcoal for arts..even played with them a bit..

But there’s no one to share the good food with or talk about why the place has robots or what the significance is of my deja vu happening all over the city…

Our art notebook became something more this trip. The story is amazing to me. It’s so vivid.

Hi…my name is Puppy. And I am lonely.

6

How and why the demon exists, in it’s own words..

I mean…I cant be angry at the animal when it has needs it doesnt understand…

Apparently those that have met 6 understood on levels I never expected. …in ways I never expected. They urged us,”channel the rage and pain of what happened into something that helps.” “Dont bare your fangs at those who help you.” “Your claws are for protecting those you love.” “Its your mind we like. You’re different enough to change something. Use that power you’ve found and make this world better.”

They took care of us despite the growls, nips, and rips. They did their absolute best with a strange devotion and loyalty that surpasses anything I could ever imagine. For them it wasnt just about preventing murders or helping someone.

It feels like it was more..

Because it was. Somehow…someway the people who found us saw the raw dangerous demon as more than terror. They saw potential I think. Or maybe just some very sad scared child who desperately needed nurturing. Maybe they saw a way to gain forgiveness of their own past transgressions. And there were those who craved the attention. The ones who clung desperately to the power they thought they saw for some sort of meaning…

I cant explain their intentions in what happened or where they are now…

I’m thankful. For whatever it was.

This…bothers me..

Nikki- Let’s start with location..

this tag is pretty well hidden in a lil alcove across from a bar with lots of windows. unless you’re in the bar or walking by you aren’t going to see it. My guess is the tagger didn’t want to get caught…fear was in control of that decision.

But they must have felt some kind of anger..at least enough to deface property and say what they wanted to say. What was their fear? Obviously it’s in control of them somehow..I mean they could have picked a more public view that was just as protected. but instead chose a direct message to those in the bar or those on a calm casual stroll to be disturbed.

Next I want to look at the script itself.

Everyone had different handwriting right? The script looks too similar to itself to have been crossed out and rewritten by a different person. The Os are nearly identical in their shape. The thickness of the lines of all words is similar enough to believe that the person held the rattle can at about the same length each time.

And now we can chat about the message itself:

“Fear is in Control” we can assume is the original message. The artist then changed their mind, or the fact that fear is crossed out is the message itself.

My thought process on this is confusing but follow me..

….ok..so Dogma is basically a set of societal unspoken rules that most people follow blindly. Why? Fear.

The artist seems to be saying that established societal rules are established and followed by,thru,during fear. That fear and dogma are not mutually exclusive but are infact inclusive.

Dogma cannot exist without fear. Society, established norms and customs, are created and followed thru fear.

Why hide this opinion?

I mean…personally I feel like the artist is totally right. Rules and customs exist because bad things happen sometimes. OSHA standards are “written in blood.” Something bad had to have happened for the rule to be created and accepted as true.

That being said..

This artist has been all over my town making posters. I believe this is about actually about racism, unlawful law-enforcement, religious ambivalence, and the actual fear of retaliation for speaking up for what one believes in.

It breaks my heart that they have such passion and such a valid point to make. Something is wrong. They’re absolutely correct in that. I hope I get to meet them some day and ask them about their work.

Update: are you afraid to be who you want to be because of society’s ideations of perfection?

Nightmares

A couple of nights ago I had another nightmare.

We get nightmares on a regular basis. The waking up with a racing heart covered in cold sweat with the voice who wanted to snuggle with us assuring us that things are safe and we’re ok. It happens. And I’m always happy to have one of them snuggling with us.

But sometimes there is a nightmare that comes from truth. from our past. A relived trauma that our subconscious demands we deal with.

He was back and just outside our bedroom door waiting for us. He had brought “food”. And wanted to set us free from the mortal punishment of life.

…..I didn’t wake up until the flesh was being torn with my teeth.

“shh…you’re safe. it’s just a nightmare,” assured the voice in our head as she pulled us closer and placed her hand on our heart to calm us.

We got up to pee after awhile. After questioning every sound we heard. Was that the ac kicking on or the front door unlocking? Did the lock of the door click open or was that my downstairs neighbor? I remembered my flatmates weren’t home.

I had to grab a knife to make it the 15 ft to the bathroom.

I turned on every light on the way and wondered if I was helping me see him or him see me. I clicked open the knife and locked the door to the bathroom after moving the shower curtain open.

I watched the lock not move the entire time.

I had to breath before leaving the bathroom to make the 5ft distance from there to my bedroom.

“How long till sunrise?” I asked the comforting voice.

“Soon,” She answered.

sure enough…it was 230am. Sunrise would be in a few hours.

Like always when a nightmare is based in our reality or disturbs us that much we draw/write it out.

By 5am we had a detailed drawing of our cage he had given us. The kitchen space we inhabited with Lyla. Short 2 sentence stories all over the drawing told so much about the people we had stockholm loved.

…….We were able to sleep again when the birds woke up and told us everything was safe.

Like usual when we had a vivid reality based nightmare it was followed by another. This one also surrounded cannibalism. Forced cannibalism.

The next day we purchased chicken wings to appease the beast and silence it enough were we could eat normally. Without the growling or nausea.

…..I refuse to give up hope that these reactions, these nightmares, will stop. That one day we’ll be healthy and happy and capable of not investing so much in our nightmares.

That one day a beautiful smile won’t set off our flight response and instead be what it’s suppose to be…

A sign of happiness.

Hiraeth

So We’ve taken a rather long break from producing anything. I can’t apologize for that. We all know, including you, that my mental health is rather strange. I can admit I/we’ve had a breakdown/breakthru??

It’s confusing how that works isn’t it? How sometimes a complete emotional/mental break down can make you feel refreshed and new.

While I’m re-energized I worry the energy I feel has it’s base in fear. Which makes the videos I’m producing ever more important to me.

I’m living in an explorative reality lately. Things just make sense when they shouldn’t. I’m calling clues I find to my past pawprints and I’m genuiely concerned about the stress that is potentially approaching and wondering if I can fully trust the one of us within us that created that past and laid the pawprints.

How many times have I written these exact words? That’s another thing that keeps happening. I recognize things. People acting particular ways that have no other explination than our past being real.

I found this word last night that just…

….I remember writing this word on my hand and waiting for the link to be made. But until last night I could swear I’d never seen or heard this word.

It just…it shook me. As it was supposed to I think. I can’t remember if the word means to fly away or to come home though. And I can’t just ask about the connection because I already feel like the local crazy lady just for saying the name I once held. ….

If the story in my head is true then I am a legend. The responsibility of that scares me but I know that She is a leader capable of being a great leader.

If it’s not then I have no reason to continue.

But the answer doesn’t become clear. It’s been years I’ve wondered and watched the story unfold but there is never a clear answer…..