We had a nightmare some time ago. It was very strange because we were calm while this nightmare was occuring but ever since we’ve haven’t been eating normally.

Chicken wings with their little chewy bits, ribs that have been long boiled so we can easily chew the marrow these are our cravings but instead..out of fear we’re eating things like rice, cucumbers, and oranges..

I’m still finding the packages for those trigger foods.

This tells me that 6 is more active, or has more support than I’d like it to have.

So what do I do?

I work out more. I get the medicine that makes us too sleepy to move. I do everything I can to entirely exhaust our body so that 6 has less energy.

But in the mail today I recieved an order of scalpels. While I haven’t seen a cutting templent anywhere I still can’t fully trust that 6 isn’t planning something against us.

I have to assume it’s against us because I was smart enough to isolate us from people who may be alone with us. We don’t have anyone to be alone with.

It’s a blessing right now when it normally hurts my soul.

Once again…

Dear reader I am writing to you drunk. At the bar. Alone as always. And knowing i will cry about it on the way home so that no one hears…

Work has been difficult…theyve tried to make me a boss.. and while I can be a bad ass chick who runs circles around everyone else…

I’m afraid that my compassion for others isnt enough to be a boss.

In other news…I’m afraid that any woman I speak too will press charges against me…so I stay alone and lonely.

…..my car broke down again and then I lost my car keys..

So after spending half my savings I had to spend even more just so I could get into my apartment…

I havent been able to sleep because I’m worried about who has my keys…I know my car got looked thru..nothing was stolen…

I keep wondering where R is. If he’s still alive hes in his 80s but I know without a doubt that he would have a following

And that following would be able and more than willing to fix my issues….

So I stayed awake despite stress of work and despite the physical exhaustion …because at any moment that door lock could move…

And my relief would come..

I made a bargain with some very special people a very long time ago. And honestly I’m very close to wanting my death

I am very clearly…

In some sort of love/like/crush thing…

It makes me nauseous? Like I enjoy the happiness of feeling like this but I dont feel comfortable enough to…

I shiver when people touch me.

It’s a trauma response that I cant help. And it feels vastly unfair to the other person ,”its like I’m molesting you.”

….I mean..Sorry?

I try not to think of the ones who have while you’re actually concerned about my conscent.

I try to not flashback at your breath on my neck or the feel of your fingertips. I try to not see him, her..them.

So when I look into your eyes and practically beg you to not look away it’s because I am doing my best to give you a fair chance. I’m sorry for my failure.