A couple of nights ago I had another nightmare.
We get nightmares on a regular basis. The waking up with a racing heart covered in cold sweat with the voice who wanted to snuggle with us assuring us that things are safe and we’re ok. It happens. And I’m always happy to have one of them snuggling with us.
But sometimes there is a nightmare that comes from truth. from our past. A relived trauma that our subconscious demands we deal with.
He was back and just outside our bedroom door waiting for us. He had brought “food”. And wanted to set us free from the mortal punishment of life.
…..I didn’t wake up until the flesh was being torn with my teeth.
“shh…you’re safe. it’s just a nightmare,” assured the voice in our head as she pulled us closer and placed her hand on our heart to calm us.
We got up to pee after awhile. After questioning every sound we heard. Was that the ac kicking on or the front door unlocking? Did the lock of the door click open or was that my downstairs neighbor? I remembered my flatmates weren’t home.
I had to grab a knife to make it the 15 ft to the bathroom.
I turned on every light on the way and wondered if I was helping me see him or him see me. I clicked open the knife and locked the door to the bathroom after moving the shower curtain open.
I watched the lock not move the entire time.
I had to breath before leaving the bathroom to make the 5ft distance from there to my bedroom.
“How long till sunrise?” I asked the comforting voice.
“Soon,” She answered.
sure enough…it was 230am. Sunrise would be in a few hours.
Like always when a nightmare is based in our reality or disturbs us that much we draw/write it out.
By 5am we had a detailed drawing of our cage he had given us. The kitchen space we inhabited with Lyla. Short 2 sentence stories all over the drawing told so much about the people we had stockholm loved.
…….We were able to sleep again when the birds woke up and told us everything was safe.
Like usual when we had a vivid reality based nightmare it was followed by another. This one also surrounded cannibalism. Forced cannibalism.
The next day we purchased chicken wings to appease the beast and silence it enough were we could eat normally. Without the growling or nausea.
…..I refuse to give up hope that these reactions, these nightmares, will stop. That one day we’ll be healthy and happy and capable of not investing so much in our nightmares.
That one day a beautiful smile won’t set off our flight response and instead be what it’s suppose to be…
A sign of happiness.