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“Grow your Little”

Nikki- I was reading a thing and that led me to another thing and …well…here’s thing 1. Which says all sorts of stuff about what causes complex ptsd. Which is pretty informative with charts and things..

.but that led me to thing 2. which is where another person who apparently had complex ptsd that manifested as dissociative identity disorder(d.i.d.) describes all the steps and other things that helped them to integrate or “become one”. to stop dissociating. to not fade in and out of personalities or memories…

So…I’ve had a shot of jack daniels…there’s bailey’s in my hot chocolate…let’s rock and roll..

so by studying thing 1 I was able to better differentiate and recognize the variying facets of our personalities. As I was reading I kinda went like,” k that’s meghan..” or ” that’s totally Alex..” or “holy shit we’re talking about Sara.” And then thing 1 led me to thing 2.

Thing 2 says to “let your little grow”. which sounds silly but when it started talking about how a little acts in the real world I kinda had a “holy shit” moment. Sara, our little (aprox 5-6 yrs old), who apparently existed and accepted our various traumas as normal then disappeared from ages 8-? <I can’t be fully aware of everything all of us do give me a gd break dude I’m trying my best. I disappear for ages too. it’s normal>….

that was a run on sentence from hell and I’m sorry.

Sara comes out at work. at home (ofcourse). and at times at our favorite coffee shop. I hear it when my kid comes out to play when people say ,” She’s such a kid.” They usually say it in a endearing way and I’m so thank ful that most accept Sara for her enthusiasm and willingness for new experiences or her ability to find the fun in hard work. It’s honestly pretty amazing to me and I wouldn’t like it any other way..

but to “let your little grow” is going to take a patience I do not have the time to practice.

I appreciate that Alex has taught my child how to shower, Meghan helps her learn/ practice more mechanical things ( they do tune ups on the motorcycle together and it’s so adorable to watch), and I don’t know what I’d do without the amazing Jennifer that holds my little girl while I can’t be near her….

They’re raising my kid while I try to destroy the wall that separates us, if I can ever find it.

I guess my role…in regards to Sara…is to know what our mother felt after the divorce? Why she did her best to separate from us and didn’t complain when we stopped visiting? Why the phone calls became shorter and shorter. why she isn’t the first to call us or why she is still so angry about the entire thing…

hmm…

We’ve all been thinking more and more about our roles ( mainly Alex and I. I know she’s doing it because of what she writes in our notebook(s)).

Anyway I guess the positive message I wanna say today is…

Don’t give up. Things will happen when they happen. Pushing only grows anxiety and negative feelings…at least with mental health.

No one gets better over night and no one gets better by giving up.

<3-

Nikki