Well…it’s safe to say we’ve had a break thru.
We told our therapist about a conversation we had with a coworker about ptsd. It wasn’t like we were speaking about symptoms and overcoming them. He was curious why I had to leave work early. I said I had a doctor’s appointment. Out of concern for my physical health he asked if everything was ok.. I shook it off with a ,”Oh yeah, it’s just therapy.”
To which he replied with, “I had to go to therapy after Iraq for ptsd.” I couldn’t help but smile and say, “Yeah I go for cptsd.” His surprise was surprising. Thru the rest of the work day he kept making mentions of things I do that didn’t make sense till he knew that.
My work ethic, my lack of grasping detail, my independence, etc..
At first he seemed ashamed for having pried but I told him,” the only way to get rid of the stigma around it is to openly and honestly talk about it.” He sadly smiled and agreed.
When I mentioned this to my therapist she became so engrossed in what I was saying I almost felt like I was on stage as a performer. After years of just being curious in how I was handling my day to day she was enraptured with question after question about the outside voices.
For those of you who missed it…I hear voices. Friendly supportive voices but voices none the less.
I spoke the rest of our 1 hour session about them. How they interact with us, the relationships between them, ….I felt like I was vomiting every bit of information I could. I was so excited to finally be able to share our world with someone who could potentially help us navigate it.
I kept apologizing.
I kept rehashing concepts when she showed confusion.
She felt so lost that she gave us homework.
She asked us to make charts, anything we could make to help her follow along, a guide to labyrinth of our personalities….well..not us…but them.
So when we got home we were so excited that 1 page full of diagrams exploded from our pen and onto paper.
Later that night, even though she didn’t ask about us, we produced this :
This…This is possibly the most important chart I have ever made.
Within it’s lines is a long history of dissociations, several different lives, and every clue I could possibly need to make integration a reality.
And I don’t know what to do with it. How can I use this incredible chart of relationships between personalities I am only slightly aware of? Who even made this to tell me what’s going on?
Le Sigh…till next time Pack.