This novel is killing me. I can’t stop obsessing and in the rare moments that I do everything stops. I’m burnt out on it. But it’s so close to being complete that it’s aggravating. I’m either sleeping non stop like yesterday and eating an entire large pizza or going hard on everything . Where is the middle ground
I think the bartender at * is being really werid. so…I’m not going to visit there for awhile. I’m at * right now which is a different bar across town and it’s just not the same. They don’t have wifi. Or coffee.
I’m so tired….and lonely…I’m very lonely. I hate myself for needing validation thru friendship or a relationship. Why should something like that verify my existence? But it does. I need it. It’s frustrating because no matter how hard I try or how much I work at being better I’m still alone. I see people in poly relationships and that’s all great for them but I can’t help but be a little jealous. It’d be silly not to be considering where I’m at.
I thought I saw…Shay..at the * monday. Reading along to what I was writing. She’d stop reading every time I stopped writing. At one point I wrote ,” if you’re reading this…” and stopped to see if she’d react. She did. With that silly finger tap. I wanted to talk to her but what would the chances be of her being a hallucination?
Has my lonelyness driven me far enough to visual hallucinations? Aural I’ve almost gotten used to but visual. What if I had gone and spoken to her? What if she wasn’t a hallucination? I had ever mentioned my favorite coffee shop to her? How could anyone ever remember something so trivial? And if she was a hallucination…then I would have been sitting there in a bar talking to the air like a friend. Sigh…
The last time we spoke she called me broken.
I confident I am.
No one wants anything that’s broken.
I’m meeting with someone I met online tomorrow around 6 at * He’s offered me a referral for a job that’s work from home. In 90 days from my start date we’ll both get a lil bonus so that’s nice. And if I do it Shay can’t yell at me about money anymore. We’ll have built a savings. Which should make…
the voices in my head ….jessica called me a loser. Jennifer left me again. * doesn’t stop hating, shay…director even…I don’t…my heart hurts ya know? They try to be encouraing most times. They aren’t as mean as they used to be. Which is ok…but…why won’t any of them stay in a realtionship with us? What is wrong with us??
we’ve been watching avatar the last air bender and honestly I hate watching tv. I can’t focus enough to read. I’ve thought about calling a dr for counceling but…that doesn’t feel like a smart decision. I’ve got no one I can talk to about the things in my head which I mean do normal people even do that?
I try to be out of the apartment for at least 4 hours a day. That way my flatmates have some alone time and I get out. The walls breathe too much sometimes. Sometimes it’s like they’re collapsing in on us.
I pull down lifted 115 lbs yesterday. I managed an entire 10 times. I’m kinda proud of that. I’m sore in some spots but I’m happy that I was able to do that without breaking anything.
The fuutre is so unclear that even though we have savings enough for some months the pressure is constant to save every penny that we logically can without going insane. I’ve joined some online discussion groups on discord that I found thru ** Ofcourse i’m still not accepted and not making friends but…those things take time right?
Why am I so disgustingly desperate for the approval of others?!
I owe the publisher another $300. haven’t even turned anything in yet. And when they get into the process they might need more. I hope not though. Which is part of why it’s taking me so much time. I want to send it in perfectly so that they won’t charge us more and I’ll get yelled at yet again. I’m always in trouble with her. No matter what I do..she hates me. She tells me often that she’s only around for revenge. She’s angry that we wasted our life. That we have student loans. That we don’t always cook, which saves so much money. She acts like every penny we earn is hers and hers alone. I hear Jennifer justify things but that’s exhausting. Jessica has been staying quite and this morning she said that they’ve switched spots because she was lonely and jennifer was exhausted. In her words, “fucking exhausting”. I suppose I’ll have to fight Shay/*** Their new duality is confussing to me. The reason they did it was to protect someone but they really have just formed an intense dynamic duality.
I have no idea what the irs wants because I don’t want to go to my mother’s house to get the letter they’ve sent. Every time I go over there I feel like I don’t belong. Because I dont’. It’s exhausting. But the irs isn’t answering their phones. So I can’t change the address they have or know what they want without going over there. With my little sister now being married and leaving in december they’re getting more and more clingy and weird. When I left there while still living in my car it was because I had gotten tired of mom talking trash about my father. So I had spoken up. Then it became an entire deal where the divorce papers had to come out and I was attacked for my opinion on the matter. I really don’t want to go over there again or see them aggain. I bought them a lawnmower to make up for the time that I did live with them.
My father on the other hand …I can’t tell him anything. He’s having heart trouble and the last time I opened up and told him what was going on in my life he cussed me out. so…yeah…he tells me every time I visit him that he doesn’t want kids…It’ll be awhile before I drive the 5 hours to his house just to hear that again..but if he calls me I’ll answer the phone. And I call him every weekend though he rarely answers. so…yeah…sorry I exist father.
Sorry I exist mother.
Sigh…going out and writing was supposed to make me feel better but I feel worse…sigh…
the voice in my head said that when we have 10k saved up she’ll be happier. With the extra job that should happen pretty quickly.
Even with going out on saturdays just to get drunk af and hope someone hits on us. They never do lol it’s pathetic. But it’s helping me cope with my incompatability with humanity. At least I can be among them. Maybe not fully accepted but at least drunk and enjoying good music or hearing their interactions. Is a facaude of acceptance that helps ease the pain.
For instance…the group at the pool table right now is discussing the frequentcy and condiditons in which either sex will “cheat” on their monogamous partner. It’s not a heated discussion but it’s clear that people believe what they believe.
I used to hang out with a group like that…but we were nerdy and discussed things like table top gaming and such…it was fun. We would all congregate on the weekends at whoever’s house and play video games and watch movies. At the college we all attneded we hung out in the cyber cafe and played card games, talked about anime, and…
yeah..that’s never gonna happen for me again. I’m convinced.
Sigh…well I have to go now. The weather…nevermind…I have to wait for the rain to stop now. And I left my helmet outside so it’s gonna be all wet…yay…stuck at the bar with nothing more to really write. No internet. And i’m starting to get uncomfortable. Sigh…