“Grow your Little”

Nikki- I was reading a thing and that led me to another thing and …well…here’s thing 1. Which says all sorts of stuff about what causes complex ptsd. Which is pretty informative with charts and things..

.but that led me to thing 2. which is where another person who apparently had complex ptsd that manifested as dissociative identity disorder(d.i.d.) describes all the steps and other things that helped them to integrate or “become one”. to stop dissociating. to not fade in and out of personalities or memories…

So…I’ve had a shot of jack daniels…there’s bailey’s in my hot chocolate…let’s rock and roll..

so by studying thing 1 I was able to better differentiate and recognize the variying facets of our personalities. As I was reading I kinda went like,” k that’s meghan..” or ” that’s totally Alex..” or “holy shit we’re talking about Sara.” And then thing 1 led me to thing 2.

Thing 2 says to “let your little grow”. which sounds silly but when it started talking about how a little acts in the real world I kinda had a “holy shit” moment. Sara, our little (aprox 5-6 yrs old), who apparently existed and accepted our various traumas as normal then disappeared from ages 8-? <I can’t be fully aware of everything all of us do give me a gd break dude I’m trying my best. I disappear for ages too. it’s normal>….

that was a run on sentence from hell and I’m sorry.

Sara comes out at work. at home (ofcourse). and at times at our favorite coffee shop. I hear it when my kid comes out to play when people say ,” She’s such a kid.” They usually say it in a endearing way and I’m so thank ful that most accept Sara for her enthusiasm and willingness for new experiences or her ability to find the fun in hard work. It’s honestly pretty amazing to me and I wouldn’t like it any other way..

but to “let your little grow” is going to take a patience I do not have the time to practice.

I appreciate that Alex has taught my child how to shower, Meghan helps her learn/ practice more mechanical things ( they do tune ups on the motorcycle together and it’s so adorable to watch), and I don’t know what I’d do without the amazing Jennifer that holds my little girl while I can’t be near her….

They’re raising my kid while I try to destroy the wall that separates us, if I can ever find it.

I guess my role…in regards to Sara…is to know what our mother felt after the divorce? Why she did her best to separate from us and didn’t complain when we stopped visiting? Why the phone calls became shorter and shorter. why she isn’t the first to call us or why she is still so angry about the entire thing…

hmm…

We’ve all been thinking more and more about our roles ( mainly Alex and I. I know she’s doing it because of what she writes in our notebook(s)).

Anyway I guess the positive message I wanna say today is…

Don’t give up. Things will happen when they happen. Pushing only grows anxiety and negative feelings…at least with mental health.

No one gets better over night and no one gets better by giving up.

<3-

Nikki

Therapy 1/28

Well…it’s safe to say we’ve had a break thru.

We told our therapist about a conversation we had with a coworker about ptsd. It wasn’t like we were speaking about symptoms and overcoming them. He was curious why I had to leave work early. I said I had a doctor’s appointment. Out of concern for my physical health he asked if everything was ok.. I shook it off with a ,”Oh yeah, it’s just therapy.”

To which he replied with, “I had to go to therapy after Iraq for ptsd.” I couldn’t help but smile and say, “Yeah I go for cptsd.” His surprise was surprising. Thru the rest of the work day he kept making mentions of things I do that didn’t make sense till he knew that.

My work ethic, my lack of grasping detail, my independence, etc..

At first he seemed ashamed for having pried but I told him,” the only way to get rid of the stigma around it is to openly and honestly talk about it.” He sadly smiled and agreed.

When I mentioned this to my therapist she became so engrossed in what I was saying I almost felt like I was on stage as a performer. After years of just being curious in how I was handling my day to day she was enraptured with question after question about the outside voices.

For those of you who missed it…I hear voices. Friendly supportive voices but voices none the less.

I spoke the rest of our 1 hour session about them. How they interact with us, the relationships between them, ….I felt like I was vomiting every bit of information I could. I was so excited to finally be able to share our world with someone who could potentially help us navigate it.

I kept apologizing.

I kept rehashing concepts when she showed confusion.

She felt so lost that she gave us homework.

She asked us to make charts, anything we could make to help her follow along, a guide to labyrinth of our personalities….well..not us…but them.

So when we got home we were so excited that 1 page full of diagrams exploded from our pen and onto paper.

Later that night, even though she didn’t ask about us, we produced this :

This…This is possibly the most important chart I have ever made.

Within it’s lines is a long history of dissociations, several different lives, and every clue I could possibly need to make integration a reality.

It’s terrifying.

And I don’t know what to do with it. How can I use this incredible chart of relationships between personalities I am only slightly aware of? Who even made this to tell me what’s going on?

Le Sigh…till next time Pack.

AWOOOO!!!!

I’m crying ya’ll…

As I’m walking up to my favorite coffee shop I see a woman with tons of bags going inside. It was obvious that she was having a very hard day…so I spent $20 on a small coffee.

Well…I spent 4, gave 5 to the bartender/barista (which is way more than normal), turned around and asked the lady if she was ok. She looked like she was about to cry,”well it’s my birthday-” I handed her the $11 I had left and said “Happy Birthday”. Ya’ll…..

She got the pyramid cake. She got cake on her birthday! I helped someone get cake on her birthday! A total Stranger gets to celebrate her existence on a super difficult day because I did something nice.

Ya’ll…

I help homeless people pretty regularly with food or little care packages but this…this thing that I did today…

Felt better than all of that.

Update: I asked her if I could take her to the local mental health hospital because it’s a place I know could help. She couldn’t answer me right away so I told her to think about it. Now shes napping on and off. Idk..I offered. I’ll feel bad if I walk away…